Does a Silver Object Bring You Close to Rapture?

For several weeks, residents in Texas have been sighting a massive UFO. Many believe it is the start of the rapture.

"People wonder what in the world it is because this is the Bible Belt, and everyone is afraid it's the end of times," said Steve Allen, a freight company owner and pilot who said the object he saw last week was a mile long and half a mile wide. "It was positively, absolutely nothing from these parts."

Thankfully, in a effort to delay the imminent early stages of the Rapture until Pres. Bush is out of office, the Air Force has been in hot pursuit of the UFO, surely preventing a presidential embarrassment.

Santa Under Attack II: Crossed Over

The distressing attacks continue on our beloved and holy Santa. The War on Santa has turned to ruthlessness not seen since last Black Friday's early opening store assault for HD-DVD players on the local Best Buy. Art Conrad of West Bremerton, Wash. put Santa on a cross to protest the consumer's defeat in the Great Credit Card War of 1990. The Church of Santa has stated they will fight vigorously to defend their holy icon. They expect to see the cross taken down soon after Christmas from their onslaught of protests.


AP Photo/Kitsap Sun, Larry Steagall

Santa Under Attack

Pastor Bob Belldinging of the Church of Santa in Happy Squire, Florida is up in arms over the offensive T-shirts being sold by a Florida store. "This shirt depicts Santa giving a gesture that directly contrary to our beliefs", says Pastor Bob. "I can’t imagine anyone not respecting our belief in Santa as our Savior. How can people be so cruel, especially during our holy season?" Pastor Bob said that Santa could put people connected with this store on the naughty list and greatly reduce the number of presents they receive. These are tough words coming from a cleric.

Is this just someone's joke or a serious attack on a person's right to believe in the true god? Many think we should be passing harsh laws against these obviously damaging attacks that come from antitheists. The large Santa Cookie Federation is at this very moment gathering signatures in their quest to get new laws passed to prohibit these vicious attacks. I am sure there will be more news to come on this issue.

Fight Fire With (Blessed) Water

You can help save the planet's people and help fight the bad angels engaged in the Rapture Rebellion. A miraculous new type of water, generically called blessed water, can help extinguish volcanic activity. Catholic-sized molegists have been studying for 2000 years the effects of blessed water on reducing the heat caused by volcanic rocks throughout the Angelic Ring of Fire, commonly known as the Pacific Ring of Fire. They have found that this specialized water when poured on a hot rock can actually reduce its temperature or even put out an active flame. Amazingly, this blessed water has also been found to be a good lubricant and can help rocks slide against each other.

What role can you play? How can you help? Amazing! We have just learned from a completely fake source (so they can remain anonymous for their protection from bad angels) that most of the blessed water companies have a miraculous special pricing system.

Fake blessed water consortium member (for their own protection) stated:

For every bottle you buy, you get 10 free! Simply whisper to the cashier (the one's wearing the cross), "No god but my god, water is our savior." in the checkout line.

A requirement for the special pricing is that you must upon leaving the store, go to the nearest grassy area and pour out all the water. That's what is amazing! The blessed water is infused with intelligently designed molecules that know how to travel in packs of billions directly to the Ring of Fire, even thousands of miles away, and begin helping.

The blessed water, upon contact with volcanic rock, will immediately reduce the temperature, thus reducing the underground pressures. This effect, combined with the blessed water's ability to reduce friction between rocks, will almost completely reduce world-wide earthquakes. You, yes you, will be helping the good angels fight the good fight and be victorious! Rapture here we come!

Rapture Rebellion Underway

It has been learned by our sources deep within the religious community that there is an angel rebellion currently underway. This rebellion started just prior to the Great Tsunami on December 24, 2004 that killed over 130,000 people. Religious scientists feel that earthquakes of a magnitude greater than 6.0 cannot be explained by natural forces. Special ultra-sensitive religious psychics that are only known to very high ranking clerics have reported hearing angels screaming in their sleep. Others of these "seers" have reported seeing blood and swords when viewing things red in color.

Quoting an unnamed source,

"It is clear the rash of large magnitude quakes has an outside source. And we feel it must be connected to the Rapture Rebellion."

Although not totally clear, our sources have learned of the Rapture's connection to these events. Apparently, the angels guarding hell believe that the pending Rapture will cause a huge number of people to commit suicide and all of them will go to hell at about same time and cause many problems. The bad angels guarding hell apparently asked that the Rapture be delayed or spread out over a period of time. During vigorous negotiations a fight broke out which quickly grew and fierce battles erupted. Since the bad angels are out numbered by the good angels their only weapon is intense heat. Scientist's say that during these pitched battles the bad angels create so much heat that it causes the earth to buckle and creates these enormous earth quakes.

Although the Rapture Rebellion had been discussed secretly among religious leaders, it was thought this was a minor misunderstanding among the angels and things would quite down. However, the recent super-powerful 6.8 earth quake in the very religious country of Peru has changed things dramatically. Secret alerts have preachers, priests, clerics, and rabbis praying and encouraging others to pray. Father O' Reilly of St. Joseph's Cathedral was quoted as saying, "let us pray" 3 times during last Sunday’s mass, a sure sign of peril ahead. Hopefully, this will stem the tide and help the good angels keep the bad angels in check.

ALERT:
An earthquake measuring 7.4 has occurred near the island of Martinique in the eastern Caribbean.

The Golden Compass Will Eat Your Soul

If you are a catholic and go see "The Golden Compass" your soul will darken. Watching this one Hollywood movie may change all you believe in. If you watch a trailer in its entirety the Church will label you a horrible parent. It is truly the most powerful movie ever produced. Stay away, hide for 6 weeks, and never come out of your house!

Or, you could go see the movie multiple times, assured in your faith and your belief in god the protector, and prove to your neighbors what a strong Christian soldier you are. Don't let CNN tell you how to think, that's what your priest is for. You know you are invincible!

If you believe you are the best of all catholics, you should read the book and complete trilogy. You will be guaranteed a place beside god!

Hypocrisy and Ignorance are Hardesty to Overcome

From the panhandle of Oklahoma comes a sad story of religious hypocrisy casting a shadow over a small town and devastating a young girl and her family.

"... I thought it was America."